My head is just swimming with thought and problems anymore. I just want to quit. I want the headaches to go away. Not that I have headaches, but that I am slowly losing touch with myself. Today I saw a man play a guitar better than I could ever hope. I know a man who can draw beyond my imagination and with such a passion that it was as if art was created knowing that someday he would use it. The goddamn messiah of art. I got pwned at Halo. I accept that I am not good at it. But it gets to be kind of dispiriting when you are referred to as the guy who just plays to have fun, not to present a threat.

I am not looking for pity. I really hate it when people go, "But you can do (insert misc) so well!" I am not the person I wanted to be.

People who know me know I have a knack for a few things. The problem is what is the point if your good at something that nobody needs or wants? I am revered as the "Mad Scientist" The creator of 'death' in the form of some deranged halloween concoction. While I have sometimes been proud of this ability to make something from many nothings, it kills me to know that it is not needed. My friends don't have a want for such a thing. Nor do they have the money. And though they think of me as the wizard who can make anything work with a rigjob, they don't ask me anymore.

I feel like I am blending out. I don't really belong I think. Everyone must do something that is them. I have worked my entire life away, and have nothing to show for it. I didn't take the time to become a video game junkie, or a man who can drink my weight with a smile. I didn't play in a band or socialize. I locked myself into work saying I would do those things with time.

Normally I would say Half the fault is my family for fucking up their part and half the fault is my friends for being everything I wanted to be and everything I am not. I know better. I know all the choices are mine, and I can change them at any time. But I am so far behind, I don't think I will ever catch up.

I am losing touch with myself horribly. I don't feel like doing anything. I have no one to hang out with cause our hobbies clash. I tried.

Ultima Online was never my thing really. I proved that. I just could never donate the kind of time to playing online games. Halo is not my kind of thing. I mean, who likes playing when they know the level of the players they are with makes them a walking target and an annoyance at best. I am not a guitarist. It doesn't come to me as easy as it does for other people. I know that everyone I know has been playing for a lot longer than I have, but it gets me downhearted when I am always outplayed and I know that I will never catch up.

I know, I know. Enough about what I can't do. I make myself sound like a pitiful whiner. Ok. Lets look at what I can do and how I feel about what I can do.

I can code, mid level I would say. Yeah its great being able to wing it and read scripts. I can make sense of most of it. But I still can't control it yet. I get my results partway to my goal, but there are some things still out of reach. Coding is so time consuming and trying to find time to get on when I am not tired is hard anyway.
And yes, Nonny, I can read binary, but what good does it do when know uses coding at that level anymore?

The grand master of Halloween, Mr. scarecrow man himself, if it ever meant halloween I could make it. I have more halloween knowledge in my head that a movie theatre prop room. If it could be concieved, I could make it work. The problem? For two years now I couldn't make anything. I know they say start small and work your way up, but I can't even start small. I have no cash for it, no supplies for it, and no demand. Everyone is like that is awesome, but no one ever has a "can you do this?" for me. Why put the effort into something no one wants? I get to the point where I don't even want it anymore.

I went to my house tonight and found my brother can kickflip a skateboard......with no wheels.......and no concave. He just puts the shitty walmart deck on the ground and up it goes... I am proud of him. I really am. It shows me that he is getting better and he isn't in high school yet. But he says, " Mike, I am getting better than you!" And I realize he already is. It makes his day when he proves he can outdo me. And I don't blame him. Thats my place in his life. I am his standard that he has to beat. But the price is a little piece of my pride every time he does. And it is happening more and more often lately.

I don't know, I am not looking for comfort or comment really. I guess I just needed to vent. I just feel like I hate life anymore. I hate who I have become. And if I became who I wanted to be, I would probably hate me anyway.

Wondeful tragedy, ain't it?

Welll I guess thats it, folks. In the heat of the moment I boiled over and burnt out. Now I leave you......

Now I feel like a popped lightbulb......so tired......

p.s. pirates kick ninja ass cause their kung fu is not strong.

--This message unedited and commercial free--

--End transmission from the inner mike--